Gratitude for 8.29.17

• Conversations with close friends.  I had an extended phone convo with my friend Jason last night.  While I normally don't like being on the phone, it was good to catch up and do it not over text messaging.
• Jazz apples.  I came across these by accident.  They are, without question, the perfect apple.
• My door.  Sometimes it's easier to get work done without distraction.
• Cooking.  I have not lost my love of cooking.  It's my chance to be creative.  My schedule makes it difficult these days but as much as I can I prep for the week's meals on Sunday afternoon.
• The Mayo Clinic.  The most recent family member of mine who has benefited from their expertise is my father-in-law, who had a bladder replacement procedure earlier this month.  It is amazing what can be done with the human body.

Gratitude for 8.24.17

• Cool late-summer mornings.  There is something beautiful about sunny and 70 degrees.
• Hazelnut coffee from KwikTrip.  I know I can make it at home for "free," and have started to do so more often.  However, there is something nice about drinking coffee you didn't have to make.  Plus this was a favorite of my dad's and drinking it sometimes make me feel closer to him.
• Lily's energy and attitude.  I am frequently astounded by how happy and lively this girl is.  (Admittedly, at 10:30 at night I am often less grateful about it.)
• The knuckleheads on the KFAN morning show.  These guys help me embrace my 8th-grade sense of humor.
• E-mails with friends.  I can keep in touch with my friends on matters big and small through the ease of e-mail; I can't imagine how much harder it was to do so before that.

Step One

Step One:  "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable."

Almost every morning for the past two years I would commit to quit drinking.  Usually in the shower.  Usually while singing one of these two lyrics:

"I gotta get my sh*t together / 'Cause I can't live like this forever" - Fountains of Wayne, "Bright Future in Sales"

"And I tell myself for the thousandth time / Today I start to live right" - Gear Daddies, "Strength"

And it didn't work.  And, many times, it didn't work for very long-- near the end I would begin my drinking in the morning soon after I got to work.  It's a miracle I didn't lose my job.

Throughout the past two years-- when things really got bad-- I had several perfect, obvious opportunities to quit abusing alcohol.  To be a drinker, but not a drunk, I would tell myself.  Because I had fooled my wife into thinking that my episodes were due to an undiagnosed medical condition, I could have leveraged treatment for those into a "cure" and cut down my drinking without anyone knowing that was the root problem.  For example, for a time my episodes were written off to a lack of decent rest.  In January I began using a CPAP machine.  I could have cut back my abuse concurrent with that and still have been able to have a couple of cocktails at parties or a beer at the baseball game.

Having been going to meetings and outpatient therapy for two-plus months now, though, I know that's not really how things could ever have worked.  It was not possible for me to cut down on my own.  I was powerless over alcohol.  My life had become unmanageable.